Confessions of A Recovering P.K.

Going Out

2012-02-07T19:35:00.002-05:00

I had a rare Tuesday night free and was able to take advantage of one of the various "kids eat free" nights at our local Chick-Fil-A. To top it off, it was a special event night, celebrating Star Wars with Wii Lego Star Wars, crafts, and even Star Wars characters at this location. My boys were ecstatic about the thought of seeing some Star Wars characters.

The whole family took a trek to Toys R Us first to pick up the new release of "Lady and the Tramp" on Blu Ray. We managed to get all that we bought for under $5 and they gave us a $5 gift card. So, we pretty much broke even. Afterwards, we drove to Chick-Fil-A and didn't realize that kids eat free. So, with the help of a gift card that someone had given us, we spent a whopping $3 for our dinner and even got the receipt with the online survey for a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich. Again, we pretty much broke even.

Somehow we managed to have had the worst possible timing for our arrival at the restaurant. It seemed that everyone else decided that it would be a good time to get there as well. The line was to the door and there were no tables available. We have always appreciated Chick-Fil-A for the kindness and courteousness of their employees, and tonight was no exception. One of the women working there saw my wife with our daughter in the infant carrier as well as the 2 boys and started looking for a table for us. She found one and motioned to my wife while she cleaned it off for us.

When we were finally able to sit down and enjoy our food, a woman who we had passed a few times earlier while searching for a table saw us sitting and said, "Wow! You're persistent!" My wife looked at me and said, "When we go out to dinner, we expect to find a seat," to which I replied with laughter. I smiled and said, "Funny how that term "out to dinner" changes depending on your situation." We both had a good laugh.

I've been reminiscing a lot about life before kids lately. I haven't been doing it in a "those were the days" kind of way, just in reflection. It's very funny how perspectives change as your life changes. Traveling on airplanes prior to kids usually involves hoping and praying that you don't get stuck next to the family with the screaming kids. Traveling on planes after kids usually involves hoping and praying that your kids aren't the screaming kids that other travelers get stuck sitting next to. Eating in restaurants prior to kids means longing for a nice quiet place to gaze into each others' eyes, free of any screaming kids. Depending on the scenario, eating in restaurants prior to kids can mean anything from hoping that nothing falls on the floor, and if it does, that it isn't eaten. It could mean hoping your kids aren't the loudest ones in the restaurant or even, if the kids are at home with a sitter, actually having a conversation with your spouse that doesn't involve crayons, diapers, poop, or any one of a variety of other kid-related topics.

As I sat to enjoy my meal, fast food or not, I fully appreciated the experience that I was having at that moment. These moments are the moments that don't last forever, they need to be seized because they become fewer and further between as kids get older. For all the chaos that we experienced, I wouldn't change a thing. My kids loved it, at least the older two did.

As we drove home and heard our 5 year old lament the absence of Chewbacca, Han Solo, and Luke Skywalker, we also heard that the Stormtrooper was pretty nice to both of my sons, causing a little confusion as to whose side they were really on anyway.

Yes, tomorrow they'll wake up, want to play Wii Lego Star Wars, color Boba Fett and Darth Vader, and even make a paper lightsaber from materials around the house. And that's fine with me. It wasn't hiking a mountain, walking through a park, going to a museum, or anything spectacular, but it meant a lot to my kids that we all shared this together, and that's good enough for me. At some point, we hope to go for a hike on a mountain, a walk through a park, a tour of a museum, or do some other spectacular thing. in the meantime, we'll settle for the simple moments that are thrown our way, taking advantage of them when we can, making the most of the opportunities before they're gone.

After all, unless my name is Marty McFly, I'm never going to experience this day again. So I might as well make the most of it.

Open Eyes

2012-01-26T15:16:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, the community in which I live was jolted awake by the senseless murder of a high school student. Students and parents alike have been shocked, they have had their worlds upended at such an act of violence in a fairly quiet, suburban town. How could something like this happen? What caused it? How do we prevent it from happening again in the future?

The initial blow of something like this always causes fairly volatile and raw emotions to flow freely from those who have been most affected. Attempts to reconcile violence are rarely simple. We live in a fallen world, broken and twisted by sin, and the resulting aftermath of that is never easy or simple, nor is it ever comfortable to live with. Life can be difficult and sometimes causes us to wrestle with questions that have no simple or easy answers.

I grew up in a small, quiet, suburban town in Connecticut. There were a number of times throughout my childhood that our community was rocked by things that seemed so out of place. Just because a community comes across as a real-life Bedford Falls does not mean that there are not deeper secrets lurking beneath the surface. When those secrets come out, which they will inevitably do, they are met with resistance and disbelief, especially for those who don’t approach life with open eyes.

I work in a church. I am a pastor. My family is in church every Sunday that we are healthy. Our presence in church does not excuse us from the reality of life. We are not immune from bad things simply because we believe in God. I also realize that it is not the responsibility of my children’s Sunday school teachers or school teachers to teach them certain things in life. I am a parent, whether I like it or not, that comes with certain responsibilities. I did not have children so that someone else could raise my children. I did not have children to arrange like ornaments on a tree, they are not simply for show.

There are things in my life that I have done that no one would have expected from me. I was not proud of them, but I do not dwell on them. Through Christ, I am forgiven. In many ways, my parents were pretty oblivious to those things. I grew up with other kids who were involved in things that their parents could probably never have imagined. If the truth was discovered further down the road, it most likely came as a shock.

Although my children are very young, the relationships that I establish with them now will determine the relationships that I have with them in the future. If I am not involved with who they spend time with, what they look at, what they read, and what they listen to now, how much will I be involved with any of that stuff when it can have a dramatic influence on them?

I learned a long time ago that one of the worst phrases that I could ever utter is “I would never…” I have seen the repercussions of eating those words after they have exited my mouth. I have seen others do the same thing. I will not say that I will never be a parent who does or does not do something. I am a flawed and broken individual who is in need of grace, that’s what Christ is and does for me, brings me that grace.

I know that I want my children to feel comfortable being honest with me. I want them to know that there are consequences to certain actions, but I don’t want those consequences to prevent them from telling the truth. It has been my experience that the consequences of truthfulness are much less severe than the consequences of dishonesty, especially when that dishonesty is discovered. We can only hide from the truth for so long before it finally makes itself known.

I want to be a parent with open eyes. I want to see my children through the eyes of love that God has given me, but I do not want that love to blind me to the fact that they are as fallen and broken as me. They need a savior as much as I do. They are as capable of making mistakes and poor choices as I am. Grace is allowing them the freedom to let that happen and still loving them afterwards. It is also the realization that there are consequences to mistakes and choices, sometimes irreversible.

I hope and pray that lessons can be learned from the tragedy that my community has experienced. I pray that parents might look at their children with open eyes of love, seeing them as “perfect” and yet willingly admitting that they have their flaws. I have always joked that my wife and I did enough things when we were young to keep us pretty well-informed about the potential things our own children might get into in the future. Even with that to be considered, we still remain fallible. May God continue to form and shape us to be who we need to be in Him. May He give us the grace that we need and the wisdom and discernment to know how best to handle the situations that life will inevitably throw at us.

Painful Growth

2012-01-24T09:45:00.003-05:00

At my church, we’ve spent the month of January looking at the idea of reflex. A reflex is an automatic response to something. Some reflexes are good, some are bad. We generally think about the idea of reflex when it comes to our bodies. When someone throws something at us, our reflex is to raise our hands and shield ourselves. When something comes close to our eyes, our eyes shut for protection.

As we prepare to wrap up our series, I have been thinking about the idea of training our reflexes. If we aren’t happy with the way that we react, the way we respond or reflex, can we change it? I think that we can. But we don’t do it alone, we don’t do it overnight, and it takes work.

Training is all about improvement and strengthening. In order to grow, we need to push ourselves. Most of us are probably not disciplined enough to do that by ourselves. I would guess that it’s a fairly small percentage of the population that is so self-motivated that they never need accountability in their training regime. The rest of us, we need all the help that we can get.

In order for growth to happen, we need to begin to experience breakdown. Training is painful, it hurts. We push ourselves to the point where our muscles actually experience trauma and during the rest that we give ourselves after a workout, the muscles repair themselves to be just a little bit more prepared, more strengthened than they were when they experienced the trauma, so that the next time they are faced with the same thing, it won’t happen again. That’s why we need to keep pushing a little bit more every time.

There are a few dangers in this process. We could push ourselves too hard, causing more than a slight trauma to our muscles which will not repair itself in a shorter time period. If this happens and we don’t give ourselves adequate time to recover, we may cause more severe damage. Even if we don’t push ourselves too hard, if we don’t give our bodies adequate time and resources to recover from the trauma, we also might cause problems. We need to provide our bodies with the best case to recover from the trauma that we have put them through, eating right, resting, and doing whatever we can to nourish them.

If we go through the process of working out and don’t really push ourselves, we won’t see any significant improvement. We will find ourselves on a plateau where we are continuing the same. There needs to be some pain associated with our growth. If we don’t push ourselves just a little bit further than we did the last time, we will just stay the same.

Whether we fully realize it or not, this process of growth applies not only to our physical bodies but our spiritual bodies as well. To be honest, it’s much easier to look out at a group of people and tell that they haven’t been working out physically than it is to look out at the same group and know that they haven’t been working out spiritually. It’s easier to hide spiritual “flabbiness.” But if anyone spends any time with you, they’ll be able to tell, it will come out in your conversations, your reactions, and your attitudes.

In some ways, the Western church has plateaued in regards to a spiritual workout. I am guilty of it myself. It’s easy not to push myself. It’s easy to do things the way that I did yesterday or the day before and not push myself. I don’t care which spiritual discipline that we’re talking about, if we don’t push ourselves a little bit more than we did yesterday or the day before, we will not grow.

If we’re not “feeling it” at least a little when we’re done with a workout, chances are that we didn’t push ourselves as much as we could have. I’m too satisfied with stagnancy, too satisfied with staying the same, too satisfied with not pushing myself. That’s why I need others in my life who can hold me accountable, who can kick my butt and push me more than I will push myself.

No workout will be successful if there isn’t an adequate amount of preparation as well. If I’m eating a lot of crummy food that doesn’t provide nutrients, vitamins, and minerals to my body, my body won’t be able to sustain the stress that I am putting it under. In the same way, if I am not eating and drinking from the source of God’s Word, getting a healthy diet, my workouts will be for naught.

It’s easy to look at the year ahead and makes a lot of plans as to what to do, how to eat, and how to live. The hard thing is the follow through. May we all commit and find others to hold us accountable so that we might experience true growth. May we all “eat” nutritious meals so that we might allow ourselves to be nourished by the Word of God. No growth happens if He is not a part of it

The Dark Side

2012-01-10T10:48:00.002-05:00

Let’s face it, every one of us who have worked at least a day in our lives have had at least one boss that was just a jerk. Some of us may have had more than that, but I’m pretty sure that we’ve all had at least one experience with an arrogant, egotistic, self-centered, and dictatorial boss.

Having had some experience with bosses that were less than desirable to work with and for, I have grown somewhat sensitive to my own methods in leading people, whether paid or volunteer. I have caught myself elevating the tasks above the people, obsessing over what needs to be done rather than the people that need to do it. That kind of leadership is destructive, leads to high turnover, and treats people as simple cogs in a system: replaceable and lifeless.

When I worked as a consulting engineer, I went through the project manager training with my company. Much of what we talked about and were taught had to do with budgets and managing the project in regards to tasks and activities. Not much was spoken about managing people. With project management, the project and budget are an important and vital part, but it is the people who get the work done and to miss that is to miss great management and leadership.

One thing that I have really appreciated about my seminary experience is that there is a high focus on theology and Scripture but there is an equal emphasis on leadership, so much so that there is a possibility of pursuing the Master’s of Divinity degree with a focus on Transformational Leadership. As I continue to take leadership classes in pursuit of my degree, I am acting like a sponge, doing my best to soak in all of the wisdom and knowledge that I am learning from these classes.

I read a book the other night for one of my classes called “Leadership by the Book: Tools to Transform your Workplace” by Ken Blanchard, Bill Hybels, and Phil Hodges. It’s an older book and often, I have to admit, I judge a book by its cover. I was not incredibly hopeful when I took a look at this book. I just didn’t know what I was going to get out of it, it seemed fairly generic. I was pleasantly surprised at what I got out of it. Below are a number of quotes that stood out to me in reading the book.

“He came to believe that people were content merely to talk about good leadership practices rather than actually implement them.” (p. 14)

“His duties were quickly defined by the existing traditions imposed by a strong council of lay members whose families had attended the church for three and four generations. The senior pastor, while kind to his new associate and interested in some of his innovative ideas, had become a reluctant but weary upholder of the status quo.” (p. 28)

“Jesus is interested in us becoming different people, not just in our acting differently.” (p. 40)

“The weakness of rules is that people can always find a way to live comfortably within the letter of the law without it affecting their hearts or character.” (p. 41)

“People who are leaders first are too often those who naturally try to control, to make decisions, to give orders. They’re ‘driven’ to lead – they want to be in charge. And they’re possessive about their leadership position – they think they own it.” (p. 42)

“Leaders often just don’t know how to develop people, and they end up doing all the work themselves. In addition to burning themselves out, their people remain dependent on them and underdeveloped.” (p. 55)

“When people’s egos take control, they become other-directed and determine and evaluate who they are by external rewards, not internal peace.” (p. 69)

“They try to overcome their spiritual emptiness by striving to hold on to control and maintaining their leadership position at any cost.” (p. 73)

“…the most important people in organizations – those individuals who have contact with customers – spend all their time looking over their shoulders trying to figure out what their boss wants rather than focusing on the needs of the customer.” (p. 133)

“I’ve discovered that people don’t mind tough goals if they know they have a manager who’s in their corner.” (p. 148)

This kind of leadership, both within the workforce as well as in the church, is not found as often as it should be. Specifically within the church, an organization that has a tendency to be a few years behind in the area of innovation, the business models and principles that have been adopted are outdated and treat pastors more like managers rather than shepherds. Eugene Peterson has a lot to say about this in his book/memoir “The Pastor.”

Whatever it is that we do, wherever it is that we lead, we cannot lose sight of the fact that we are leading people. They have thoughts, emotions, and feelings, just like we do. When they are cut, they bleed, when they are insulted or demeaned, they hurt. People cannot become just a means to an end. The minute that they become that to us as leaders is the minute that we need to step back and ask ourselves whether or not we are leading correctly.

Chaos

2012-01-09T08:15:00.005-05:00

Anyone who has read my blog over the past few months knows that 2011 was a crazy year for my family. 2012 has not proved itself much better. My family was hit with the stomach bug right after New Year's and now my wife is working on her first cold of the school year. Props to her immune system for having gotten her through the Fall with no major issues. The difficulty is that she's got 3 kids (5, 3, and 3 1/2 months) to take care of, making it difficult to slow down.

Our house is alive with chaos. With two boys (5 and 3) there is a lot of energy and activity. We may clean up a room temporarily, only to have it completely destroyed within minutes, if not seconds. I'm really not sure how so many people with small children are able to keep their houses in order the way that they do. But I think there' a difference between a messy house and a "lived in" house. While we have probably been lingering around the former, the difference may be more subtle.

I can honestly admit that I have too much going on in my life. Most, if not all, of it is no fault of my own. Circumstances have created the situation that I find myself in and many of those circumstances are beyond my control. Caring for a parent who has been ill, taking extra responsibilities at work because of the departure of someone else, caring for my family, and trying to push through my last year of seminary are all consuming me. I am not prepared to abandon any of those things, so I find myself in a place where I need to manage the chaos.

That's really a false statement though, I cannot manage the chaos. The more that I think that I can, the more chaotic it will become. Instead, in my weakness, I rely on the strength of the One who has created me, the One who provides me what I need.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to lead worship with some of the members of the Hillsong team from Australia. It was an incredible experience as they were humble and kind, not haughty or pompous as some who have achieved success might be. There were a number of other people who were local who had been asked to be part of the team that was leading worship for this conference.

One afternoon, between conference sessions, I sat down at the piano to play a worship song called "Still" that was written by a member of the Hillsong team. One of the vocalists, who was local like me, came in while I was playing it and mentioned to me how much that song had meant to him. It wasn't until later that I understood how much it had meant to him. The words are below:

Still

By Reuben Morgan

Hide me now, under Your wings.

Cover me, within Your mighty hand.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with You above the storm.

Father, you are King over the flood,

I will be still and know You are God.

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone.

Know His power in quietness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with You above the storm.

Father, you are King over the flood,

I will be still and know You are God.

I had come to find out later the story of the gentleman who had come in while I was playing this song. He had lost his wife and a few of his children when their car was caught in a flash flood. He had desperately tried to save his family, to no avail. He was a fairly young guy and there was nothing about him that gave me any indication that he had been through such a horrific event. As I played the words through in my head, I realized how powerful they must be to him.

As chaotic as life gets, as difficult as our circumstances might be, we do not serve a God who is removed from this mess. In fact, the author of Hebrews writes in Hebrews 4:14-16, "Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

I don't understand the chaos that is part of this life sometimes. I know that my chaos pales in comparison to what many other people have had to experience. I know that God never intended chaos, but it is a result of sin. Although I know these things, it doesn't take away the pain and frustration of having certain experiences, it simply gives me hope for the future.

When I experience difficulties, I do my best to heed the words of the Psalmist to be still and know that He is God. I can rise above the storms and floods and find rest in God alone. There is no better place to be in the midst of a storm than in the arms of my Father.

Here is a link to the song "Still" if you have not heard it. I hope that God can speak to you wherever you might be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXywFuTf65I

Thoughts on 2011

2011-12-31T10:30:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago, I started posting a Facebook status while I was in the hospital waiting to see what my next move would be with my father. He has had a really difficult few years, but 2011 was particularly difficult for him. After not having spent any significant time in the hospital for the first 68 years of his life, he was in the hospital 3 times in 2011. He lost his wife and life partner after 43 years of marriage. He retired from the church that he had poured blood, sweat, and tears into. He moved to a new place where he knew no one other than some immediate family close by.

Thinking about all that he has endured has certainly made me overwhelmed. I have been a part of it and I have had my own experiences added on to it. Somehow, only through the grace of God, I have been able to continue to stand and walk. There have been many times during 2011 that I have felt as if I were above myself, looking down, and observing what is taking place. It has felt like an out-of-body experience.

The Gibsons added a third child to our clan in 2011, just three months after my mom died. After 5 grandsons for my in-laws, they got a granddaughter, and then another one a week later when my sister-in-law had a little girl. My oldest turned 5 this year, my middle child turned 3. The oldest had his share of medical issues as we took three trips to the Emergency Room within a 3 week period. Overall, they endured pretty well, despite the many curveballs thrown into their life this past year.

My wife was a champion. Thanks to the help of friends and family, we were provided for in the midst of the tumultuous times in which we found ourselves. All we have been longing for over the last few years is a vacation. We have taken time here and there to visit family, but we have not really had a family vacation since before our children were born. One day, we will have a glorious family vacation, we’re hoping Spring 2013 when I finally graduate from seminary.

As I have surveyed the past year, I found myself bemused at the wisdom and experience that I have gained. I began to wonder what it would have been like 20 years ago if I knew then what I know now. Somehow, I sailed through college with just average grades. I didn’t work as hard as I could/should have, yet I didn’t fail anything. Now, I find myself in seminary and I am obsessively working to accomplish all that is before me.

How is it that when I was in college and younger, with no wife, no children, no permanent job, no house, no major bills, and no aging parents, that I couldn't get good grades and now that I have all of those things, I somehow manage to do very well? While some of it has to do with responsibility and time management, I can only attribute it to the power of God in me and the power of the prayers lifted up on my behalf.

There is no loss of love between me and 2011. I have never been one to moan about the past year while looking towards the year to come, but this year may be an exception. While I don’t expect life to be simple and easy, I certainly don’t expect that many years will replicate 2011, and for that I am grateful. Coming through the fog and smoke that is left by the storms and fires of 2011 has made me stronger and wiser. While I have endured much, there are plenty of others who endure much more every day.

I am grateful for my friends and family. There are too many people to name who have given so much to help my family during this year. My church family has been incredibly gracious and loving, lifting us up in prayer and inundating us with cards and emails. My family has been phenomenal. I have some great blood relatives who have been incredible during this year. My aunt and uncle are two people who will certainly be greeted by our Lord with the words, “well done, good and faithful servants.” My children have loved me unconditionally even when I have lost my cool and patience.

There are hardly words to describe just what my wife has had to face this past year. She suffered loss when my mom died as well. My mother was always thrilled to have both my wife and my brother’s wife as “daughters” even though they were not her own flesh and blood. My wife’s empathy was apparent in the midst of my own grief. She showed her resolve as she gave birth to our third child through natural child birth, causing me to be thankful that I have not had to endure all that she has in giving birth 3 times.

My wife has supported me, cried with me, prayed for me, and loved me through it all. She has not complained. She has not been unreasonable. She has simply loved in a way that has shown me, our children, and the world that she is fueled by something greater within her. I love her and am thankful for the gift that I have in her.

There are words and gestures that I would like to say and to give to 2011 as it rolls away in the horizon of my rearview mirror, but I won’t. I will simply look ahead at what is in store for the future. God has been faithful, he has not left me or abandoned me. In my weakness, he has been strong. May 2012 be a year full of opportunities which I seize, opportunities that shape and mold me to be who I need to be in Christ. My only wish and hope is that they are not as painful as those of 2011.

Blink

2011-12-30T15:27:00.003-05:00

I just finished a book called “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell. It was the second book that I have read by Gladwell in the past few months. The main gist of this book was about the process of decision making and whether it is better to make snap decisions or processed and well thought out decisions. Gladwell brings in real life case studies to prove the points that he is making. The book is a few years old, so there were a number of cases that were somewhat dated such as the O.J. Simpson trial and the Amadou Diallo shooting, but they still made sense for anyone who recalls those stories hitting the press when they were current.

There have been many times that I have faced a decision in my life when I researched a lot in an attempt to gain as much information as was available, making sure that I had done my homework before making a decision. Gladwell opines that having too much information can actually be harmful in the decision-making process. Sometimes, snap decisions are the best, especially in staying power for the long term with little regrets felt later.

Towards the end of the book, Gladwell writes, “The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding. We are swimming in the former. We are desperately lacking in the latter.” It really made me stop and think. We have so much information at our fingertips, information that we generally assume to be true and reliable. With a few clicks of a button, we can compare and contrast the prices of cars in different states, find the best price on electronics, file our taxes, pay our bills, and do countless other things that used to take much longer. In some ways, the simplification of these tasks has made us lazy. We don’t check things that we should and we end up taking things for granted.

In regards to Gladwell’s quote regarding knowledge and understanding, I have seen this all too often. I have seen it in the business world. I have seen it in the academic world. I have seen it in the church world. Culture has constantly informed us that “knowledge is power” and yet knowledge without understanding can be somewhat useless. We may have tons of knowledge and yet we lack the wherewithal to apply that knowledge. Applied knowledge is understanding. If we fail to apply the knowledge that we have gained, we simply act as living and breathing encyclopedias, dispensing information as if we were experts.

In many ways, these are the remnants of modernist thinking on our culture and society. The modernist looks for initials after names and degrees hanging on walls, while the post-modernist looks for scars and battle marks to prove that there has been some experience behind the knowledge that one has gained.

Within the church, I have seen this all too often as well. If you jump through the right hoops and spout a lot of information or knowledge, you may be respected. Some pastors will even take advantage of the knowledge that they have gained. While I don’t want to overgeneralize the situation, there has been a tendency with some pastors to go right from Christian school to Christian/Bible college to seminary to a church. The exposure to our culture and the world in which they will need to minister is minimal and they are thrust into a situation where they are called to shepherd or lead those who are living in that culture every day. Can that really be effective? Sometimes it can. Oftentimes I think that it can be destructive.

The best example I can think of for the vast difference between knowledge and understanding is in relationships, particularly the marriage relationship. I can know an awful lot about my wife but that does not mean that I understand her. Gaining knowledge causes people to be seen as problems to be solved rather than relationships to be entered into. Gaining understanding of a person generally leads to a relational connection that is far more organic than simple knowledge.

We are creatures created to be in community. We are fallen and broken because of the original sin of pursuing a knowledge that would seemingly elevate us to the same level as God. We have not strayed very far from that sin and our pursuit of knowledge. Our pursuit of understanding should far exceed our pursuit of knowledge. Knowledge will simply puff us up while understanding will connect us with others. I would much rather be known for my understanding than for my knowledge. Knowledge is impersonal while understanding can be more personal.

Where do you stand in your pursuit of knowledge and understanding? Are you impressed with people who know a lot and do a little? Are you a person who knows a lot and does a little? In our pursuit of understanding, we will most likely gain knowledge but I don’t think that the opposite is true. You tell me.

Make Him Known

2011-12-22T12:07:00.005-05:00

Well, this was not the Christmas that I was expecting or even hoping for. I thought that there might be some reprieve in my life, especially after the “year from hell” that we experienced for the first half of 2011. I was wrong.

The question is, “What do I do about it?” In the midst of everything that has been going on, I have still had the distractions of daily life to keep me grounded. It being Christmas time, it’s hard for me not to focus on what it is that I am celebrating during this time of year. I guess if you’re going to have crappy things happen during the year, it’s good to have it during a time of year where the focus is on the greatest gift that any of us could have received.

In between trips to the hospital, phone calls to friends and relatives, trips to Williamsburg, and my ordinary daily routine, I was thinking about the sermon that I was supposed to preach for Christmas day. Thankfully, it was graciously taken away from me by one of the other pastors so that I could have some time to focus on everything that is going on right now. But, the ideas were in my head long enough to have been gestating and forming, working their way into a full-fledged message. Since they won’t come out on Sunday morning, I figured that I would share them here.

Growing up in the church, one can grow tired of hearing the same message over and over, delivered with little passion and excitement, especially around Christmas time. Every year, I always do my best to reinvigorate the season with meaning and purpose. After all, like I said before, we’re talking about the greatest gift that any of us could receive, it’s exciting. Problem is, if we get caught up in the consumerism and busyness of the season, we might have the tendency to just “phone it in” and not give much thought to it all.

As I was thinking through which direction to go, I read through John 1. Having read the chapter countless times before, I was hoping and praying to see something different, something that I had not taken notice of before. I stumbled upon verse 18, which says, “No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is a the Father’s side, has made him known.” This verse just jumped out at me almost as if it was the first time that I had read it. Particularly, the phrase “made him known” caught my eye.

In context, John had written just verses before of John the Baptist’s preparing the way for Jesus to come. I thought about how John’s mission, his duty and responsibility, was to make Jesus known. Jesus had come to make his Father known. What did that mean for me?

It just made sense to me that it should be my responsibility as well, my mission. I was reminded of 1 Peter 3:15, “But in your hearts set apart Christ the Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” Christians are generally pretty good about the first part but I have seen my fair share of them screwing up the second part…gentleness and respect. Despite some people’s belief, evangelism is not a literal beating the “hell” out of someone. We could all stand to be reminded of that.

In the midst of all of the junk of life that I have been dealing with, I keep asking myself, who am I pointing to? If I am still standing, do people know why? If I have peace, have I been honest about the reason? If there is glory to be gained, have I made it clear that I am not the one to receive it?

I just finished telling someone that in the midst of all of this, I am certain that there is a God. There is no way that I would be able to continue to function the way that I have had I not received a supernatural strength. Sure, I still have miles to go, I can still falter, but I have made it this far and I know that I have not done it in my own strength.

I don’t want people to pat me on the back and say, “Wow, I can’t believe how strong of a person you are.” I’m not. I’m weak. I’m broken. I am depraved. If there is anything good in me, it is Christ in me, and praise God that it shines through. In all that we experience, good or bad, awful or joyful, if we know Christ, we need to make him known. Others have shown me that. Others have been Christ to me in so many ways, I need to do the same to others. Imagine what things would be like if this was the normal way of things within the Church. Can you imagine how well cared for we would feel?

It’s too easy to think about my own problems, but there are greater things to come. Paul’s words to the church in Rome in Romans 8 are this, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.” Now that’s something I can sink my teeth into.

I covet the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, messages, notes, and cards of everyone who is surrounding me. I only pray that through it all, I can fulfill my mission, to make Him known. If I do that, regardless of what the world tells me, I am a success.

Really? Are You Kidding Me?

2011-12-17T09:51:00.004-05:00

This catch phrase has become my trademark over the past 12 months. It's become somewhat of a joke, probably because if I take it too seriously, I'll begin a descent into depression. So, it's kind of good to laugh at it. So much has happened with my family over the last 12 months, I really have come to that place where I continue to state this question, over and over again.

The thing is, I have to move past the selfish part of the question. Ultimately, that's what I end up making it about: me. How have I been inconvenienced? How are my feelings impacted? How is my life dramatically changed? When those are the only questions that I ask, it's easy to find myself in a place of anger, bitterness, and frustration. But when I begin to think about all of those same questions for others, the focus moves off of me and onto things that are a little bit more significant and important.

During this Christmas season, I have a job. I have a house. Although we have experienced loss, I still have my family. I am able to provide meals for my children. If we need a doctor, we can go. There are hospitals around for emergencies. We have friends who care for and pray for us. Compared to a good portion of the world, we are living in the lap of luxury.

If I drive just a few miles away, to the place where my dad is currently in the hospital, I will experience a very different world. There are people who don't have the things that I have. There are people who are looking for warm and dry places to sleep. There are people who want to find something to eat, anything to eat. I am not in their situation. I do not understand their situation. If I am willing, I can help to change their situation.

Right now, my life is fairly chaotic. I look around at a messy office and a messy house and get frustrated, then I remember that there are way worse things in the world than messiness.

The main problem is what I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to hold it all together. I am looking to muster up everything that I can to "fix" the situations that surround me, and I can't. I don't have the strength or capacity to do such a thing, nor am I supposed to.

When the Apostle Paul was writing one of his letters to the church in Corinth, he told them about something that he struggled with. He didn't name what it was, but based on what he said, it must have been inconvenient enough that he asked God to take it away from him. Not once. Not twice. Three times. In fact, it wasn't an asking but a pleading with God to take it away. I don't get the feeling that Paul was saying "please" and "thank you" in his language to God.

But God didn't take it away. In fact, he was given an answer that is a good reminder to all of us who find ourselves in difficulty, adversity, and challenging situations. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Wow! Not sure that I am at that place yet. It's hard to get through the difficulties, let alone rejoice over them. It's hard to break my selfish will and see beyond the "me" of the situation. Maybe that's why I continue to struggle. Maybe that's why things continue to be a challenge for me.

Regardless, I have been given today to do what I need to do. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for me or anyone else. The future-thinking idealism of the Western world is a foreign concept to so many in other parts of the world. In some ways, it's a stark contrast from what we are called to do as followers of Jesus Christ. Who are we relying on? Ourselves or him? Whose strength is empowering us?

I have today, with all of its challenges and opportunities. Will I make the most of them, or will I complain that I have to deal with them? I am sure that I am not the only way who faces these challenges or has to answer this question. I am sure my challenges may pale in comparison to the challenges of others. Today, I choose to serve the Lord, that might mean challenging and trying situations, but if I'm not trying to hold it all myself, they won't be as challenging as I might think.

You Hold It All

2011-12-15T09:54:00.003-05:00

I was driving to a men’s group this morning and trying to mentally and spiritually prepare myself for our time together. There was a lot on my mind. I just finished my school quarter and I am moving into my last year of seminary. I was thinking about the oncoming wave of emotions that is beginning to hit me as I face my first Christmas without my mom. I was struggling with decisions about my dad and his health which seems to be deteriorating rather than getting better. I thought about these and other things like balls that I was trying to juggle. I stink at juggling. The image of all of the balls falling and bouncing in all different directions was incredibly vivid in my mind.

As I continued to drive, I was reminded of a song that we have been singing a lot in church lately. It was probably on my mind because we are doing it on Christmas Eve. The words screamed out to me as a reminder that I wasn’t supposed to be holding it all together. That wasn’t my job, nor was I knit together to be able to handle that. In fact, the One who created me and knit me together is the One who holds it all together. I was trying to do His job rather than resting in who He is and who He has created me to be.

It’s funny how the advice that we sometimes give to others seems so difficult to apply to ourselves and our own lives. I stood across from a brother in Christ who I had been telling this very thing and was convicted that I hadn’t heeded my own advice.

Control is a big word. We all love it and our culture instructs us to make sure that we are the ones who hold it all together. None of us want to lose control; that would be a sign of weakness. But the paradox is that when we surrender control to God, we are actually more in control than when we might think we are. We may live under the illusion, or delusion, that we can handle it all, but eventually, we will watch the balls fall to the ground and scatter in all different directions.

2011 has been a year of losing control. If I learn what I’m supposed to, I will learn that I need to lose control in order for God to gain control, and that’s not a bad thing. Am I willing to surrender my pride and delusional sense of control? In many ways, it reminds me of Jesus’ words in Matthew 10:37-39:

“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”

Next time you feel like things are spinning out of control, maybe it’s because you’re trying to hold it all together. Abandonment and surrender are more freeing than we allow ourselves to believe. Believe it and you will be set free!

Here are links to the song “You Hold It All” as well as the story behind the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hihNm2Sm-8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRob7IJC1Ek

Distractions

2011-12-10T08:13:00.003-05:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was in elementary school. I think I can count on one hand the number of kids that might be considered ADD/ADHD. Nowadays, it seems like every other child is given that diagnosis. As I look around, it's no wonder that this is the case. While I think that there are a number of factors that can create this in children, I think that our society does a pretty good job of doing this, not only in children, but adults as well.

The amount of information that we are fed on a daily basis is incredible. If you turn on any major news channel for five minutes, you can see the news anchor, the ticker, and countless other sources of information happening all at the same time. With so much going on, is it a wonder that we get fairly distracted?

Life is full of distractions. I'm reminded of the words of John Lennon, who said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Some distractions are good and necessary, while others have the potential to derail us from the things that matter. Wisdom is knowing the difference between the two and doing your best to avoid the latter.

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of the latter, enough to be concerned. Part of this is because what is a distraction to me is important to someone else. I tend to think that those kinds of distractions are good and necessary. If someone else sees it as important, chances are, there's something about it that I might be missing. But there are other distractions that simply prevent me from getting done the important things. I think that our selfish nature has a tendency to overtake us at times, causing us to see things that are insignificant as more important than they really are.

It's always a challenge to stay focused during the Advent season, but as I become more and more aware of the potential, I guard myself from it. It's not the busy times in life where the problem comes. Busyness can actually be helpful because it gets us on our guard, heightening our awareness of the potential for distraction and missing things. It's the other times, when things seem to be happening as usual, when we can be distracted and led astray from what really matters.

My tendency with distractions is to lash out at the person, or people, who are the cause of them, but I have found that I need to take a deeper look. Why is this so important to them? What am I not seeing at first glance? Is there something that I missed? Back to the selfishness thing again, I know that there are times when this isn't the case, I haven't missed anything, people are just being people and trying to make it all about them.

My major frustration comes when distractions take away from vision and purpose. This happens often within the church. There is a twofold purpose within the church: to grow the saints and to grow the kingdom. The rub lies in the balance of those two things. We may lean heavily one way at the expense of the other and there emerges frustration and bitterness. A balanced approach is necessary but difficult.

The irony of this becomes when people think that the very things that are distractions are the ones upon which we are to focus. Everyone's got an axe to grind, a soapbox to stand on, a passion that ignites their bones, and most people are willing to stand up for those things given the right circumstances. The challenge is whether we are connected enough with the people around us so that should we miss something, they are relationally close enough to us to tell us the truth. Do we allow people to point things out in our lives that may not be obvious to us but are blatant to the rest of the world?

There are days and times when I ask myself why I left engineering to become a pastor. I don't dwell on those times because, in the end, I'm convinced that I'm doing the very thing that God called me to do. Those times generally come when I am being distracted from the vision and purpose for which I am called, bogged down with trivialities that seem important to someone, but not to me. In a perfect world, we would be distraction-free, but this world is far from perfect.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess I deal with the distractions by doing just enough of what needs to be done to continue forward motion. If I allow them to consume me, they have won, they have derailed me from my vision and purpose, causing me to become unfocused. If I ignore them, I am at times insensitive and unsympathetic, making a non-verbal statement that what matters to me is more important than what matters to someone else.

Frankly, I don't know that I will ever get it right. It's a constant struggle, a tension, a tug-of-war, the endless game of balance. I do know one thing for sure, there are certain things that need to be ignored and I can rest assured that by ignoring them, I will most likely not be labeled insensitive or unsympathetic, maybe just irresponsible by some. If that's the price that I have to pay to stay focused on vision and purpose, so be it. One day, I will be held accountable to someone other than the ones who try to distract me, my answers on that day are far more important.

As Verbal said in The Usual Suspects, "“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” Sometimes the devil is in the details, and those details distract us from getting done the things that really matter.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

2011-12-03T08:03:00.003-05:00

I had a timely phone call from a good friend while on my way to school in the D.C. area the other night. I had had a fairly long day which had started around 5 AM and would not end until close to midnight. I was feeling tired and worn out and had probably even begun to feel the need to stop so as not to fall asleep and he called. We talked for a long time, but it was one of those conversations that didn't feel long and that is even longed for once it's over.

He was lamenting to me of his church's lack of focus on Christmas and Advent in their Sunday morning worship services. There was really no evidence that the Advent season had arrived. The latest praise choruses were being sung with no interspersion of Christmas or Advent focused music. He was pretty frustrated that the focus that he was longing for was being dismissed by his local church.

I jokingly told him that I could come with my band and play "Do They Know It's Christmas?" to perhaps inject a little meaning into both his and their season. As I thought about it later and as I continue to read his laments/ravings on Facebook about his frustration, I have tried to reconcile what is happening.

As a worship leader, I can honestly say that I have been on the side that my friend is railing against. I take no offense in what he is saying because I would consider that I have grown a tremendous amount since that time. Once upon a time, I probably fought against the idea of incorporating Advent focused music into the Sunday morning worship services at my church. It's somewhat ironic that this would be the case with me considering that I generally start listening to Christmas music back in August or September.

I'm not completely sure what would have caused me to have such disdain for the inclusion of this kind of music into a worship service. Maybe I felt as if some of the music was dated. Maybe I felt as if it played too much to the nostalgia and emotions of the congregation. Whatever reason I may have had to do this, I was wrong. I now see this, especially in light of the overwhelming takeover of consumerism within our culture.

Once upon a time, the holiday-heavy Fall was filled with holidays that seemed significant enough to be celebrated on their own. As the consumerism has become more and more rampant, some of those holidays have dropped in significance and even in existence. Do we really understand the significance of Labor Day? I don't, other than the fact that I get a day off. Columbus Day hasn't been celebrated by me for a fair amount of time. Shamefully, I even forgot to acknowledge Veterans on the Sunday after Veteran's Day. I was given grace and made up for it the following Sunday, acknowledging my mistake and exercising the escape clause that allowed for a statute of limitations within a week's time.

This year, more than ever, I was very aware of the transition from Halloween to Christmas. It was almost as if Thanksgiving had dropped from our calendars. My boys like to dress up in superhero and Star Wars costumes and, frankly, I'm not a fan of paying $20 or more for costumes. So, while shopping the 90% discount costume rack at Target, I was very aware of the Christmas section having popped up overnight. What had happened to Thanksgiving? Well, the commercialism of Thanksgiving might seem self-serving, especially considering what the holiday itself signifies. There has been no icon, other than a turkey, for Thanksgiving. Other than people gorging themselves on turkey and other delicacies and a few Virginia Tech fans relishing a holiday that celebrates their precious mascot being eaten, there's not much commercialism on which to capitalize. Why would we actually encourage families to spend time together when we could instead encourage them to spend money for the self-perpetuation of big industry and commercialism?

But I digress. If there was ever a time for followers of Christ to be more focused on celebrating Advent, it would seem that now would be that time. Problem is, instead of being counter-cultural, we have embraced the elements of culture that conveniently fit into our own ideologies and lashed out against the ones that would make a mockery of our beliefs. Can we really have it both ways? Perhaps. Paul was a fan of using culture to speak the message of Truth. While I wouldn't say he embraced culture, he appreciated it and understood that it was an opportunity for an inroad conversation with people about the significance of Christ in his life.

With everyone else having successfully forgotten exactly what Christmas and Advent are for, it would be in the best interest of those of us who consider ourselves disciples of Christ to not necessarily rant and rave against a culture that has forgotten, but instead to lovingly point the way by living out the values that we claim as our own. In other words, doesn't it seem that a good way for us to focus others on Christ during this season would be to focus on Him ourselves?

This Advent season at my church, we decided to forego a "special" Christmas concert during a Sunday night or other night of the week and focus our efforts on our Sunday morning worship times. All of the special elements that may have been reserved for a concert/program are being incorporated into what we do on Sunday mornings when we gather. With only one week of Advent in the books, the result was fascinating and the responses were overwhelmingly encouraging. My hope is that these times and experiences on Sunday mornings will act as a means for our congregation to focus on the significance, importance, and relevance of Advent amidst a culture that is desperately trying to take our eyes off of those very things.

I am not supporting the boycotting of culture, WalMart, Target, or any other organization or system that is perpetuating a misguided focus during this season. I am encouraging that those of us who consider ourselves Christians would simply model what we want everyone else to see. In that way, rather than looking like antiquated, frustrated, and hypocritical prudes who will stop at nothing to attempt to enforce our own values, we instead look like a people who believe in something, that something being that Advent is a time of anticipation and waiting, as we expectantly await the celebration of the coming King and Messiah. Do they know it's Christmas? They will if we show them

Slow Down

2011-11-23T13:05:00.003-05:00

And so it begins. That raucous pace with which we enter and navigate through the holiday season is upon us. I have been experiencing it in full force lately even as I have wondered what happened to the Fall. Since Advent starts this coming Sunday, we are into Christmas music starting this week. I had a rehearsal last night and we began to wade into Christmas music with “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.” It’s actually a fairly fascinating story to read about the genesis of the poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, you should check it out sometime.

On the way home from rehearsal, as I went through my “TO DO” list in my mind, my window, for the second time in a week, got stuck in the down position amidst the rain. I had already spent $500 on it last week and was not looking forward to having to be carless for another day while I waited for the mechanic to fix what should have been fixed a week ago. I’m not a big fan of things not getting done right the first time, so I was a little frustrated.

As I drove home, thinking and saying words that I never should have, I began to play through my day today. I had already had a number of things to get done and now the mechanic would need to be a detour that I was not welcoming. I chose to forego schoolwork in favor of a good night sleep and went to bed early. With a cold/sinus infection in full force, it seemed like the right choice. I awoke in the middle of the night, stressed about the disruption of my schedule today. How would I ever get everything done? Would I be able to?

Feeling somewhat well-rested this morning, I drove to the mechanic, praying that I would maintain my testimony as a pastor and disciple of Christ when I got there. I fought all of my urges to speak my mind and simply replied, “Pretty bad” when the gentleman behind the desk asked me how I was doing. Hey, I’ve got to be honest, right? Thinking that it was a smart thing to arrive early, I soon realized that although they opened at 7, none of the mechanics seemed to be there until about 8. So, I waited for about an hour before they even brought the car into the bay. Frustration continues.

As I thought about it, I really began to wonder what kind of a test this might be. Every holiday season, I find myself preaching the message of slowing down, taking it all in, and remembering what the purpose of these holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, is. It’s not Black Friday. It’s not consumerism. It’s really about thankfulness, family, and redemption. It’s about remembering what we have been given and not taking it for granted. It’s about a gift that was given that we could never replicate, replace, or contrive on our own.

Maybe this detour was God’s way of telling me to “SLOW DOWN” instead of running rampantly into the season. As I sit here at my desk, I can hear the wind blowing outside my open window. The sky is gray and it will probably rain later. The church is fairly quiet as most of the school children have gone home and the office is officially “closed.” I’ve probably forgotten to do something important, but I imagine that it will have to wait. I am taking advantage of the peace and solitude that can be experienced in this moment. The silence of these few minutes is a salve for my wounded and weary soul. I have been tired, frustrated, worn-out, sick, grieving, stressed, short-tempered, and spiritually thirsty. These moments are the exact moments that I have been waiting for. When life becomes hectic and fast-paced, it’s amazing what a few brief moments can do to recharge the soul.

Even as I think forward to Black Friday, I can’t help but laugh at the irony that a day that is supposed to be a good thing for consumers is termed “Black Friday.” Not necessarily the most encouraging of names, a fairly bleak name, but I guess if we consider that consumerism is a fairly bleak path to be on, it sort of makes sense.

Before your holidays get under way, before you make your list of things to hunt for on Black Friday, take some time to write down the things for which you are thankful. Those few moments of reflection will be good for your soul, and chances are, the things you write down will be around much longer than whatever deals you might find on Black Friday.

Here’s my list:

My Family – wife, kids, Dad, brother, extended family

My God – grace-filled and loving

My Freedom – it’s never really free

My Job

My Health

There’s a whole lot more, but that stands as a fairly good top 5 list. Happy Thanksgiving and a blessed Advent season!

What A Difference A Year Makes

2011-11-21T19:59:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow morning my sons have their Thanksgiving pre-school program. A year ago, only my oldest was in pre-school and my parents had just moved to Williamsburg. It was supposed to have been the first of many school programs that my parents were to attend. We were all so looking forward to them being so close. There was an air of excitement that morning as my parents arrived to watch their first grandson performing his songs. Programs like that are never about the music so much as they are about the cuteness and belly laughing that come from watching kids do what kids do.

A year later, things look pretty different. My father won't be able to make the pre-school program. He's not eating well. He's not sleeping well. He's not feeling well. He's alone. His life is radically different than it was a year ago. His love, his life, the woman whom he had been married to for over 40 years is gone and he is trying to put together the pieces of his life and negotiate the rough waters of the holidays for the first time in nearly 50 years without the one person that he has shared life with.

It certainly brings new perspective on the holidays. As we so effortlessly transition from Halloween to Christmas, skipping right past Thanksgiving, it seems a good reminder that few things in life should be glossed over as easily as some holidays have been. Especially significant holidays.

I think we'll make it through. There will be a newness to everything. It will be a season full of firsts. We will do the best that we can. We will cry. We will laugh. We will love. That's exactly what Mom would have wanted us to do. Life is different, she is gone, but we are still here.

In many ways, I feel that I have the advantage in this situation because of my children. With young children, every day is an adventure, a new opportunity, a chance to make memories with them. It is hard for my dad to find that same perspective because so much of his life has been lived. That's not to say that there is nothing left for him, it's just harder for him to find that same perspective given the circumstances in which he finds himself.

Over the past few years, holidays have been so different for me. Being a pastor, I have rarely had the opportunity to spend the Christmas holiday with anyone other than my wife and kids. It's a blessing to have them, but sometimes we long for the company of blood relatives. We love our church family and friends, but life is short and nothing replaces family. I have lived so far away from family for Thanksgivings since 2004 that traveling "home" has not really been an option. So, change has been part of the holidays for me, a part that I have had to embrace and accept.

Yes, a year doesn't seem like much, but it can make a world of difference in our lives. Life looks pretty different now, much different than it did 12 months ago. There will be tears and memories will be recalled during the coming days. There will also be smiles, moments of laughter, and new memories made. The spirit of my mom lives on in me and in her grandchildren as well. We miss her, but one day, we'll celebrate together again. Love and miss you, Mom!

Milestones

2011-11-21T07:33:00.003-05:00

It's been a fairly interesting week in my world. I have been recovering from a minor surgical procedure and am looking forward to being at 100% (whenever that will be). The holidays seem to be upon us and I keep asking myself where the rest of the Fall went. September and October are behind us and November's end is close at hand. Not sure how I missed two months of my life, especially when one of those months included the birth of my third child.

After playing Wii with my 5 year old for far too long yesterday afternoon, we went outside and he and my 3 year old rode bikes. The 5 year old still has training wheels on, but I figured that he might be ready to try two wheel riding today. I've got a little hitch in my step, so I couldn't chase him around for too long, but he made some great strides towards riding by himself and there were no major injuries. I giggled to myself as he said, "This is pretty easy." Deep inside, I felt a keen sense of pride.

The boys of the family went to the library the other day and I decided to get some Thanksgiving books out while we were there. Instead of additional consumption of television time after dinner, we dove into a few of these books. The trusted Berenstain Bears book was a major disappointment. Guess my expectations were greater. While reading through one of the other books, my 5 year old began to read some of the words and so I decided to see how much he could read. He read all of the words that were listed on the 2 pages with Thanksgiving terms.

Before bed, I had him read one of those graded readers that you can buy at places like Target and WalMart. He made it all the way through a story about Lightning McQueen and Mater. Again, I swelled with pride, so much so that the glow may have outshined the neighbors' Christmas lights. I was impressed and I was proud.

As I thought about these achievements in my son's life, I began to wonder how long it would be before I began to focus more on the words that he was getting wrong rather than the words that he had gotten right. I wondered when I might become unsatisfied with his efforts of reading 10 pages and push him toward 15 or 20 instead. I wondered if these things were inevitabilities or if they could still be prevented.

We have such a tendency in our society to look at the negative and I am a product of that. Yearly reviews come up in our jobs and we might talk for 5 or 10 minutes about the positive achievements that we have made and spend the other 45 minutes or so talking about all of the ways that we might improve. While I have no problem seeking ways in which I might improve, I wonder if there is more of a balanced approach that we might take.

I want to be an encouragement for my children. I don't want them to be in therapy years from now talking about how hard they tried to win their dad's approval. At the same time, I am a parent and not a friend. If I start as a parent, the friendship will come in later years. That's not to say that there is no enjoyment in my time with my kids, it just means that in the battles that rage, I need to be a parent first and a friend second. I want my kids to know that I am proud of them but I also want them to know that I have high expectations of them because I know what they are capable of.

As I watched my 5 year old ride across the cul-de-sac towards our lawn on two wheels, I was struck with a wave of emotion. Part of it is the newness of the holiday season entered into fresh off the heels of the loss of my mom. There will be grief and sadness but there will also be newness as every day is a new opportunity with my children. But 5 years has gone by quickly, and though I feel like I have spent some quality time with my kids, the magnitude of my responsibility and the benefit of my opportunities became readily apparent to me. My son will only be 5 years old once, am I taking advantage of this time?

I have heard the cliché over and over again about the fact that no one who is on their deathbed says they wish they had worked more. Life is all about balance and I feel like I am constantly walking the fence over getting it right. Milestones are called such because they happen infrequently. I don't want to miss them because those are the things which I, and my children, will hold dear years from now. Sometimes things have to wait. Lawns. Dishes. Reports. Meetings. There are more significant things waiting to be experienced by people who will appreciate them way more. Don't forget to make time for those things. If you happen to see me and I look like I'm forgetting, don't hesitate to remind me. We all need reminding from time to time.

Accountability

2011-11-18T11:00:00.004-05:00

As I sit here at my computer, reading about yet another college sports program being ravaged by accusations of sexual abuse, I am in stunned silence. Our justice system tells us that people are innocent until proven guilty, but these allegations mar the reputation of these programs regardless of the truth behind them. I find it hard to understand why anyone would make up stories like this and instead think that perhaps the bravery and boldness of the few who first spoke up has given courage to others who feel that their stories need to be shared.

As a father of boys, I have thought about the accused as "dirty old men." Once upon a time, that phrase seemed to be reserved for old men who made comments to females passing by, even their "dirtiness" may have been limited to some lewd looks, gestures, or remarks. These recent allegations move past intangible comments or gestures and delve into a new area. That's not to say that rude comments and gestures are innocuous, because they are just as capable of causing harm to the victims, but once the physical boundary is breached, the crime moves into a whole new realm.

It's hard to understand just how a person comes to the place where they think that this kind of behavior is appropriate. In my mind, there are two things that can lead to this: lack of accountability and abuse of power.

Regardless of how strong any of us thinks that we are, we need to be held accountable. When we lack accountability, we open ourselves up to all kinds of potential dangers. If we do not have people around us who can ask us difficult questions and call us out when we begin to do inappropriate things, the slope on which we may find ourselves will be slippery, at best. Accountability means that we submit ourselves to people whom we trust, people who have the potential for reaching down and pulling us out of any pit in which we might find ourselves.

Anyone who has found themselves in a position where people look up to them has most likely experienced the inner emotion that comes from that kind of power. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, we have probably all wondered how much we could use (abuse?) the power which we have been given. This possession of power points back to accountability. If we find ourselves in positions of power, we absolutely need people who are looking out for us.

Regardless of your viewpoint of Billy Graham and his ideology, it's hard not to respect the man for the choices that he has made in his life. Early on in his ministry, he made the decision to never travel alone and never be found with a member of the opposite sex (other than his wife) alone. As one considers the life and ministry of Rev. Graham, he resembles Teflon in many ways, any allegations that may have come at him would simply "not stick" because of the accountability and structure that he had set up around him. That is wisdom.

It seems like a lot of allegations of these kind had been reserved for members of the clergy, both in the Catholic and Protestant churches. As the floodgates open and additional allegations surface, it seems that anyone is capable of this kind of behavior. Regardless of what position of leadership we find ourselves in, it is in our best interest to be held accountable. If we keep our behavior in check and have others who are watching us, any allegations that might be lobbed our way will hold less weight simply because we have covered ourselves with people to watch what we are doing.

We might look at the Penn State case and say, "What happened here?" Paterno claims to have confronted Sandusky on his actions, even going so far as taking it to a higher up official who did nothing. Who are the people that act in these positions for us? Do we trust that they will have our best interest in mind, regardless of the price that we might pay if we begin down the wrong road? Friends who are willing to hold us accountable are willing to do so even when it becomes difficult. If the relationship is strong enough, it will endure, even when we are confronted with difficult issues.

I learned a long time ago to never say never. While I could claim that I am incapable of the kind of behavior that has surfaced in recent days, I know that my environment can dictate much. Malcolm Gladwell wrote, "all of the results strongly suggest that our environment plays as big - if not bigger - a role as heredity in shaping personality and intelligence." Given the right (or wrong) circumstances, we may be capable of things that we did not think possible, yet another reason for accountability. While it might be an inconvenience for us to change things in our lives to incorporate this kind of accountability, I can guarantee that the inconvenience would be minor compared to finding ourselves in a place where we have done irreparable harm to ourselves and others. It's all a matter of perspective, and frankly, I would much rather a minor inconvenience that impacts me versus a major inconvenience (or worse) that impacts many others as well

The Truth Is Out There

2011-11-08T10:59:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about the notion of truth as well as standards in regards to that truth. We are constantly bombarded in the media with stories of court cases where both sides are attempting to convince a judge or a jury that their version of the “truth” is the right one. Our society has promoted a relativism in which truth is no longer an absolute but is created by individuals based upon personal preference, level of comfort, and experience.

What happens when we find ourselves in a place where truth is defined on a person by person basis? How do we establish a standard to which to hold people? If truth is relative, what (and who) is the ultimate authority that defines this truth?

In a democracy, we would most likely say that our government, which is by the people and for the people, is the defining body, the final authority on what “truth” is. But what is the standard that they hold? Do they hold a standard? Does that standard move or is it constant?

As a follower of Christ, I believe that God’s Word is the ultimate authority for Truth. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father but through me.” This is an absolute which is not easily digested by a relativistic culture. But it does not change, regardless of the flawed people who claim to adhere to the Truth of Scripture, regardless of their imperfect interpretations, clouded by a broken and fallen nature in a broken and fallen world.

My major concern over a “floating truth” is that there is nothing that pins it down. There is nothing that makes it stable. There is nothing that guarantees that it will be there five minutes from now. It changes, which seems to be somewhat contrary to the definition of truth. If truth is ever-changing, how can it really be truth?

I am not a philosopher, nor am I the son of a philosopher. I don’t claim to fully understand the different theories that philosophers through the ages have posed to answer these questions. What I do know is that if truth is ever-changing, the future cannot be bright. If definitions can be redefined based upon what makes me or someone else comfortable, they are unstable, and we are in serious trouble!

There are some who believe that the answer to this is that we become a “Christian” nation. I have visions of the Crusades in my head, people being forced to attest to a specific viewpoint for fear of their life. While I don’t think it would ever come to that, there are some who would read that and say, “So, what’s wrong with that?” That’s as troubling to me as the idea of a flexible set of rules.

There are others who see no problem with a society where truth changes as often as the weather. I would gather that the moment that it began to cause them any discomfort or pain might be the moment that they take issue or exception with it, but that may be presumptuous of me.

Regardless of the extreme viewpoints, I know this one thing for sure: we are on a slippery slope when truth can be redefined by my level of comfort with it. If I project the path down that slope, I fear where standards and lines will be drawn. There are three children that I love deeply who I know will be impacted by that future and that slope. And to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. My imagination can contrive some fairly dark depths to which that slope leads and it pains me to think that they would be affected by that.

If you are one who believes that truth is relative, ask yourself whether your opinion of it would change if there were negative consequences for you. While you might not think that this could be a possibility, is there really something there in a relativistic society to prevent it from happening? After all, truth is relative and subject to change, so are laws and legislations, right?

If you are one who believes that “Christianizing” our culture is the solution, try to project out that path for the future. While those of us who follow Christ are called to make disciples, leading someone to meet Christ is far different than forcing them to do so.

I don’t have the answers, but I know that something is broken. The truth is out there, it’s just a matter of which version of the truth you are willing to accept. If it is constantly being changed and redefined, there’s a lot of instability there. Unstable systems will prove to be volatile and even explosive. They may operate in a ruled and controlled environment for a time, but eventually, the instability will prove too great. Caution: contents under pressure

The End is the Beginning

2011-11-07T19:34:00.004-05:00

As I passed week 7 of 10 in this fall quarter, I came to the stark realization that after this quarter, I have only 8 more classes before I am FINALLY finished with my seminary degree. It has been a long hard road, and I still have a year to go, but 4+ years, 2 additional children, and one loss of a mother later, I am coming to the end of this part of my journey.

When I came to that realization today, I felt a little bit of sadness deep down inside. Whenever there is a completion of something, there is always a satisfaction in having accomplished a great feat. At the same time, when so much blood, sweat, and tears have gone into the process, it can be somewhat bittersweet.

I am a Learner. Before I even entered seminary, I was reading 2 to 3 books a week as I tried to learn more about ministry and the different approaches that people have taken in it. I wanted to gain as much insight from as many sources as possible. My reading load has certainly decreased with outside material since enrolling in seminary, but I have still found time to engage in extra-curricular reading. It has been an important part of my formation.

I have met some incredible people in my seminary journey as well. There are a number of guys who I have connected with on a personal and theological level who have meant a lot to me throughout the process. My hope is that those relationships would continue long after we receive our diplomas. When life-giving relationships are found, one would be foolish to simply let them fade away. Like anything else, relationships need fostering to continue and I hope that these relationships continue for a very long time.

When I finish my last course a year from next month, the world will be a very different place than it was when I began. I would like to think that I am not just a little older, but also a little wiser. There are missing pieces from my life, but there are also new areas to explore, new opportunities to seize, and new days in which I can live out the adventure of serving God.

This journey will have required 144 credit hours, 36 courses, two ancient languages, 3 systematic theology courses, 5 Bible survey courses, 100 trips to Glen Arden, Maryland for class, 8 trips to St. Paul, MN, and hundreds of pages of type-written work. There's no way that I would have been able to accomplish any of it if it hadn't been for my amazing wife. She has been tolerant of a lot as I have been somewhat consumed by schoolwork and grades, more so than might be typical. She has faithfully loved me and our children. She has tolerated quizzing me in Hebrew and Greek vocabulary words. She has read hundreds of pages of papers until a trusted friend stepped in to be a great editor (thanks, Tommy). This degree will be as much hers as it is mine.

My children have also put up with a lot. I am hoping that it won't have caused them serious and irreparable damage in the future. By then, my wife may be working as a counselor and should have some good references to refer them to should they have such a need. Kids are resilient, but I will be glad, for their sake, when this is over.

My church has been incredible to me. They have loved and supported me, encouraged me and even tolerated me at times. I think that they have benefitted as well as they have served as a sort of proving ground for all of the things that I have been learning. Somehow or another, those things would work their way into devotionals and sermons that I would be giving. Whether people knew it or not, as I was learning in seminary, they were learning along with me.

Yes, it's been a long strange trip. It's not over yet. While I know that there is so much more learning to be done, I'm pretty sure that my wife would shoot me if I decided to work on degree #4 as soon as this is over. In the meantime, I will finish this one out and when it's all over, I will breathe a deep sigh of relief. What I will have accomplished may not mean much to some others, but to my family and me, it will mean a lot. It will mean a lot because of the price that we paid for it, and when it's over, the time that I will have with them, free from certain distractions, will be priceless. While it is an end of a chapter, it will also be the beginning of many others as well.

A Man and His Dog

2011-10-29T22:34:00.005-04:00

I'm a pretty big movie buff, but my life has helped me to put that on hold over the past few years. I still enjoy a good movie, but the theater experience is a commodity these days, one that I don't get to experience as often as I would like. Of course, the cost of going to the theater to see a film rivals dinner at as moderately priced restaurant and when your time and dates are limited, the dinner usually wins out.

All that to say, I generally get a chance to see movies that are mainstream if I have the desire. Red Box and I are friends. I have also grown friendly with my local public libraries which not only give me a good dose of films but also offers them in HD with Blu Ray...for free. Unfortunately though, I movie browse the way that I shop, with an idealistic eye. In other words, knowing that movies are due two weeks later, I somehow always manage to think that I have more time than I really do to watch all of the movies that I check out.

Last time I was at the library, I checked out "Marley and Me." I had heard things about it when it came out, but never had the chance to see it. Frankly, there are some movies of which I know the outcome that are mood pieces, I just need to be in the right state of mind to view them. Tonight felt like the right night to watch "Marley and Me."

Now, I rarely ever go into movies "cold," not knowing the basic premise and plot. "Marley and Me" was no exception. Of course, anyone with kids knows how your perspective changes pretty drastically when you have that as the lens through which you look at life. So, I knew what I was in for, or at least had a vague idea that tears would most likely be involved with the viewing of this movie.

I nearly announced to my wife at the end of the movie, "And that's why we'll never have a dog." Thankfully, sometimes I actually think before I say something. I thought about it and even convinced myself that my mind was made up, but I have lived too much life to really think that I can say "I will never" and actually get away with it. After all, I grew up with a dog.

His name was Smokey. He was a German Schnauzer and we got him from a family in our church. He had had some issues with children in the neighborhood where he used to live, potentially having had them throw rocks and other things at him. He wasn't crazy about kids for that reason, but he took to my brother and I just fine. When my parents discovered that I had allergies, they were glad for a short-haired dog that did not shed. So we kept him.

One time, when we were on vacation, he stayed across town with some friends of the family. Somehow he managed to get loose and make his way across town to our house. Smokey was a smart dog. We always knew that he would come back when we let him outside.

My family went to Florida during a February vacation one year. When we arrived home, we let Smokey out to do what it is that dogs do outside. It was snowing at the time, and he didn't come home. My dad searched and searched. He called for him and heard nothing. This was so unusual. So we waited.

I don't remember exactly how long we waited, but it must have been long enough that winter was gone. One day we got a phone call from another family in our church. The railroad tracks that took trains from New Haven to New York ran behind our house, some kids had spotted a dog that they thought might be Smokey on the tracks. My dad took the call and hopped in his car.

It seemed like among the longest moments in my life. It also may have been the first time that I ever saw my dad cry. I remember that we were standing at the top of the stairs when he came home. I heard the downstairs door shut and there was a pause which seemed longer than usual before I heard the double doors to the upstairs open and heard my father begin to ascend. One look at his face gave us the answer that we had dreaded, the answer that we had hoped and prayed was not true. It was a pretty awful day.

Not too long ago, my dad brought Smokey up in a conversation. He actually mentioned his crying and the heartbreak that he experienced that day. Of course, we have all been through much more since then, but dogs capture your hearts, if you let them. We let Smokey into our home and he did just that, he was part of our family.

I don't know if I will ever agree to let my kids have a dog. As 40 looms in the not-too-distant future, I almost feel as if I would be backtracking. I mean, most people use dogs as their litmus test for kids. If you can take care of a dog, maybe you can take care of a kid. Now that I have 3 kids, getting a dog defeats that purpose. They usually can't let themselves out or feed themselves, no matter how old they get. You still have to get babysitters for them, no matter how old they get.

And one day, when the day arrives for them to come to the end of your life, they tear your heart out because they loved you unconditionally when the rest of the world kept telling you that you never measured up to what they thought you should be. Yeah, I could see myself having a dog, but I don't know if I could handle all that it means. I guess it comes down to whether or not I will believe the words of the great poet, Alfred, Lord Tennyson who said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."